DRAFT Magazine

On the board for 500 points: New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and the Fourth of July. Um, what are the three holidays that require inebriation for proper celebration? Correct! Let’s get straight to your Mailbag this fine Wednesday (plus a radical contest announcement below!). We’ve both got some drinking to do.

Hey, it’s your Mailbag!
Do you have a burning question that can wait up to a week to get answered? Send it over HERE. Now, let’s read your mail.

From Brett
“Dude what’s up with all of this crazy natural disaster stuff? I just watched that movie about the end of the world that recently came out and now I’m thinking about how to get ready. Probably a party. What beer should we have?”

Yes Brett, your logic seems on point: (1) Watch Hollywood blockbuster about the end of times. (2) Register the events in said movie as sage predictions of future disaster. (3) Identify congruent events in the real world. (4) Conclude the world is ending. (5) Party down.

Based on your highly descriptive question, I’m guessing you just watched the movie “2012.” Perhaps you already own it today on Blu-ray. If so, party down with the newest brew from Stevens Point Brewery: 2012 Black Ale. This schwarzbier goes down easier than accepting your fate, and its roasty malts will give you something to think about when the earth opens to swallow you whole.

From Kim
“What’s a firkin? It sounds dirty.”

Hey Kim. Whether or not your next firkin’s dirty depends entirely on what you put in it. Here’s the short answer: While a firkin is a rather archaic British measurement of liquid volume (a quarter of a regular barrel if memory serves correct), it’s become synonymous with cask ale; for the most part, casks happen to measure one firkin. Thus, with the growing popularity of cask beer, the term firkin is re-entering the lexicon of U.S. drinkers. However, if you’re trolling around Urban Dictionary for answers, than I can see how the term might develop a certain connotation. It’s only dirty if you make it so, Kim.

From Anonymous
“Do you remember that beer on ‘Married…with Children’ called Girlie Girl Beer? I always wondered if it was real what it would taste like. Probably a lager?”

First off, I’m not a fan of anonymous (the word, not you) finding its way in here…you know where I’m going? Alcohol. Anonymous. GIVE ME YOUR NAME. I actually don’t remember Girlie Girl Beer, but hell yes for reminding me of Big’uns the nudey mag and the NO MA’AM society. The golden age of television, perhaps? I’m guessing you’re right: Girlie Girl was probably a lager of sorts. I’m betting either a light or standard American lager.

From William
“I’m always looking for new ways to sneak in a beer or two. The best thing I’ve come up with so far is to hide beer in containers like colored water bottles and such. It just looks like apple juice. Any ideas?”

Yeah Will, I’ve got an idea. Read the first sentence of the last response. Seriously, though, you need to up your game. I’m not sure how I feel about sneaking beers, but there are ways to be sneaky with beer. One guy I know has a bottle opener built into the bill of his baseball hat. THAT COULD BE YOU. If you’re looking for badass, stealthy ways to deal with beer, I’d indulge in a pair of these classy bottle opener cuff links from Cufflinks.com. Part James Bond, part Dean Martin: It’s fun and bidnez all at the same time.

Well, we’ve burned through a few more of your not-so-urgent letters: The Mailbag’s officially closed. I’m late for a few happy hour specials, where I may or may not attempt to pull a William.

CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT
We’re looking for your most outrageous St. Paddy’s Day photos, plus a brief description of what’s going down in the photo. We’ll pick from the best and you may find your mug and story posted here in the not-too-distant future (sorry, that’s the prize). FAME CAN BE YOURS.

Send your photos/stories right here. Let me know where you’re partying tonight here. And, as always, keep checking back for more nonsense here. May the luck of the Irish help you get lucky.

We’re taking a break from my usual rambling this week to indulge the visual. Now, as the more savvy readers of this blog already know, beer judging doesn’t just focus on taste and smell—although grandly important—but also how a beer looks. Yeah, even beer’s subject to aesthetic pleasure. Is your hefeweizen cloudy? I will drink you. Is your imperial stout transparent? You’ve got problems. But before a brew’s even popped open; before it’s sold; there’s one ultimate judgment it needs to pass. Bring out the fonts!

I sit at my desk each day surrounded by beer labels. Here, take a look.

Here’s a tip: I don’t have the cleanest desk at DRAFT. I spend a lot of time gazing at beer bottles as they roll through my area, en route to our beer fridge for tastings. I don’t quite understand all of the artwork I see, but a small percentage of labels stand apart from the pack.

Labels at which to stare: Vol. 1!

New Belgium nailed its new year-round Ranger IPA with a look lifted right from the National Parks Service circa 1940. It’s rustically retro and the beer’s damn good too.

Odell Brewing’s Red Ale hails from Colorado, but its label could have fallen off a Metro sign on the left bank of the River Seine.

Rogue’s Mom Hefeweizen, everyone. Comb your hair and tuck in your shirt before drinking.

Mad River’s John Barleycorn Barleywine Ale first caught my eye because it looks a lot like this:

Speaking of Traffic: Hey, it’s an oddly generic psychedelic video set to Traffic’s 1967 single “Paper Sun.” Let’s get dosed!

Left Hand Brewing’s Good Juju. Don’t look it in the eyes, friends.

Terrapin’s India Style Brown Ale.

Part-woodcarving, part-acid trip this label adorns Scotland’s Brew Dog Atlantic IPA.

You know what else I’ve got for you? MAIL

Do you have a burning question that can wait up to a week to get answered? Send it over HERE. Let’s read your mail:

From Jason
“So you guys are based in Phoenix. I’m gonna be in Vegas in a few weeks and wondered if you have any suggestions. That’s kind of close right?”

Jason, don’t buy drugs from the dirty homeless on the strip. If they were selling real drugs, they could afford to take the occasional shower. Use your head, man. Seriously, though, Las Vegas is a mystical venue of infinite possibilities—especially when it comes to beer and burgers. While you’re in town, swing by LBS: A Burger Joint at the Red Rock Casino Resort and Spa. Here you’ll not only find amazing burgers but spot-on beer pairings as well. Delve into their Perfect Burger paired with Tripel Karmeliet or the Frenchie Turkey Burger with a pint of Manneken Pis Belgian White. Seriously. Burger time.

From Heather
“Any recommendations for St. Patty’s Day?”

What, you mean other than Guinness? Sure. Thomas Hooker Irish Red Ale (DRAFT-rated 95 points), Dragonmead Erik the Red (94), Moylan’s Irish Red Ale (93 points), Harpoon Celtic Ale (92), Smithwick’s (91), Rogue Kells Irish Style Lager (90) and Boulevard Irish Red Ale (89). Mixed in with those cheap Guinness specials. Sift through the reviews section and find some new favorite stouts too.

That’s it for the mailbag this week. I suddenly have an urge to eat burgers whilst listening to Traffic. Hey, did you know Stone’s Greg Koch stopped by the office last week? Of course you did, but here’s the video in case you missed it. Music mostly courtesy of The Meters. Wanna click a few more links? Check me out here, here and, as always, here.

You know where I’m at right now? A coffee shop; drinking coffee. That’s right, I drink coffee — the bitter stuff. You can stick your cream and sugar in a sack, man. So yeah, I’m sipping on coffee trying to get in the zone but I’m having trouble concentrating. There’s a man right in front of my face chatting up two kids about marketing their band. He’s utilizing that kind of low whisper that’s just audible enough to command everyone’s attention. He claims to know people who know people. An industry pal of his was on Larry King the other night. This is Phoenix kids, not L.A.! Run away! And, hey, old man, either shut it or speak louder, at least give me a volume I can actively ignore. This is intolerable! Hey kids, you want some marketing advice? Get yourself guitar lightning!

I apologize for the short temper, America. Our time together’s special and I compromise these events for no man. Industry exec, marketing guru, or otherwise. I haven’t felt such an intense sensational surge since, well, last night. See, here at DRAFT we often log in the long hours to tip back brews for your benefit. I was a puckered mess late in the evening when we popped open a bottle of The Lost Abbey’s newest Red Poppy Ale vintage.

I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

Pouring apple cider brown with a tan rocky head, this beer hasn’t a care for sensitive sinuses. You will get your ass handed to you with an invasion of sour cherries, brettanomyces funk, and if you’re still on your feet, faint oak and sugar sweetness. In the mouth, the upfront sourness steamrolls the tongue, hoovering moisture as it grips the cheeks. In return, dull cherry flavors, along with earthy brett notes, vanilla and a tannic woody essence digs into the taste buds. Super sour upfront, this beer’s balanced throughout the swallow, finishing surprisingly clean with a cherry-wood flavor that lingers in the mouth. Consider this an official DRAFT all-points-bulletin must-try alert.

There’s your beer to try this week, now let’s get with your Wednesday Mailbag.
Do you have a burning question that can wait up to a week to get answered? Send it over HERE. Let’s read your mail:

From “T”
“I just started cellaring beer, and I’m going back through DRAFT back issues to find out what cellarable beers you guys have recommended. Do you have any thoughts or tips for doing this, and what’s the coolest beer you guys have in your cellar?”

Hey T. Mind if I call you Mr. T? Okay Mr. T, your question’s getting posted this week because I believe in the power of three. Allow me to explain. (1) You see, Mr. T, on Monday night Greg Koch, CEO and co-founder of iconic Stone Brewing swung by DRAFT HQ for a (END OF THE WEEK SPOILER ALERT) quick video interview. Now, Stone’s famous for a lot of things, and one of the buzz-worthy events they stage each year is the release of their newest Vertical Epic Ale. Sure, Koch’s a fan of cellaring Stone beer, but admittedly, he’d rather drink them fresh. Why? Well, I won’t speak for him, but I will tell you this, Mr. T: If you’re a hound for bright, citrus hops, then drink fresh. Take for instance, Great Divide Oak Aged Yeti Imperial Stout. This huge beer delivers chocolate and coffee bitterness alongside rich vanilla notes. However, there’s a surprisingly juicy, citrus hop presence not often found in beers like this. Now a 9.5%-ABV stout is a perfect candidate for laying down: The mouthfeel will smooth out, darker malt flavors will emerge and the bitterness will subside. Yet, those bright hops have a very short shelf life: Cellar at your own risk! On a side note, I found a 2-year-old fresh hop beer a few weeks ago. It was not a pleasant drinking experience. (2) This morning I was perusing the news reel, and came across this L.A. Times article. It echoed a conversation I had last night with two beer friends who cellar. One utilizes a fridge, which slows down the aging process, while the other dedicates an entire closest in the middle of his apartment (good for temperature regulation). (3) Then I read your email.

In short, Mr. T, it sounds like you’re on your way to a decent cellar. The best tip I can offer is to find a cellarable beer you really enjoy, and start tracking the vintages — this works best with seasonal brews. Buy three to four bottles, drink one now, and cellar the rest. Open another after a year, and based on the beer’s temperament, you’ll have a decent gauge for how long the remaining can stay down. And to answer your “coolest beer” question: Alaskan Smoked Porter, 1998 vintage.

From Josh
“Do you know where I can get vintage beer gear to decorate my basement wet bar? I’m one of the lucky guys who has a wife cool enough to actually be into craft beer, and let me put up old beer stuff on the walls. My goal is to create a beer temple.”

Hey Josh, you lucky bastard. I’ve always wanted a wet bar. If you just want to gobble up any old signage or lamp from yesteryear, just jump on ebay. However, if you want a story with each piece you collect, I’d look into the Brewery Collectibles Club of America. These guys are the real deal, and regularly inform our “Sweet Cans!” articles in the magazine. Look into a local chapter and network with these guys to get tips on acquiring said collectibles, and maybe they’ll sell you a few pieces to get started. And if you’re really trying to build a beer temple, here’s a nice template. Yes, Josh, those are bottles.

From Ben
“How many beers can you drink in one-sitting?”

Hi Ben. That depends entirely on the size of the beer. Next time you’re in Phoenix, send me an email, or find me on Twitter and we’ll run an official count.

From Nicholas
“Have you ever snuck a beer into a movie? My friends and I do this on the regular and it’s amazing.”

Yeah, Nicholas, I have done that. College, “Evil Dead,” a 40-ounce of something. And you’re right, it is amazing. If I were to sneak a beer into a movie again, it would most certainly be Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland.”

NEED I SAY MORE?

DRINKING/WISHFUL DRINKING:

Where I’m drinking tonight: Couch, catching up on yesterday’s episode of “Lost.”
Where I want to be drinking tonight: Amsterdam’s Beer Temple. Check it out in DRAFT’s March/April issue.

Well, folks, you’ve wasted another good 10 minutes of productivity on this blog; and yes, the marketing guru across from me is still at it. Let me know your daily annoyances, moments of inspiration and favorite upcoming releases here, here, or here. IT’S RUSSIAN ROULETTE. Keep an eye out later this week for a very special video.

I’ve been doing a lot of flying lately, and for some reason, I keep ending up in Kansas City International Airport, know to savvy fliers as MCI. I may as well be Jack or Locke or Hurley—like their island, this unassuming airport draws me in every time I fly. But as much as I always want to get the hell out of there, it’s not until I fly into the shitstorm that is O’Hare or DFW that I yearn for my return to the simple life of MCI. This airport unearths my better nature. Its mysterious ways illuminate my inner-hero. I am courteous and friendly in the belly of MCI. This effect is felt by all, hyperbole aside. You know there’s no main security checkpoint at this humble sky harbor, only a few near-retirees stationed at each collection of gates to check IDs and boarding passes?

“What’s that ol’ grandfatherly TSA man? Yes I will engage in your colloquialisms. You are AMERICA and I will now drink beers with you.”

Just last week I was sitting in the Boulevard Brewpub of Terminal B, nomming on fries, drinking a pale ale and people watching those of all shapes and sizes skip and dance and sing across the beautiful halls festooned with glee. Amidst this controlled, cheerful chaos, a crumpled U.S. twenty dropped from a middle-aged man’s coat pocket, fluttering to the ground a mere 10 yards from both me and my fellow Boulevard Brewpub patrons. I looked around. I calculated the odds. THAT BILL COULD PAY FOR LUNCH. But before MCI’s power of goodness had a chance to swell up from the dark depths of my soul, a chubby tween with Oscar-Meyer digits picked up the bill and raced after its rightful owner. Where have all the good kids gone, America? They’re currently waiting out a layover in the Kansas City International Airport. Beyond that, I have no idea.

Speaking of Kansas City, I recently had the pleasure of touring Boulevard Brewing with founder John McDonald. The savvy, well-appointed captain took me on tour through tanks, barrel rooms and, where all fine expeditions conclude, the tasting room. Sipping on an array of brews — most notably Harvest Dance — with McDonald, brewmaster Steven Pauwels and a few other Boulevard staffers, the subject of wine came up.

See, when Boulevard expanded a few years back, they were rudely awakened by an archaic Missouri state law (KC straddles two states — break out your maps geography nerds!) that prohibited breweries from selling retail on premise. Wineries, on the other hand, were a different story, and as we all know, Missouri’s one of the leading wine regions in the world — am I right? The solution? Create Boulevard Wines, ship in some California grapes and start hawking the goods in-house, beer too. Well, nothing is half-assed at Boulevard, so it didn’t take long for McDonald to scrap the California grapes and plant a vineyard in his rural estate. The result’s one delicious Cabernet Franc called Pipjak, named after McDonald’s kids Piper and Jake. Packed with deep, dark cherry notes, oak and a punch of tannins, it’s as clever as it is tasty.

That’s my report, now let’s get with your (belated) Wednesday Mailbag.
Do you have a burning question that can wait up to a week to get answered? Send it over HERE. Let’s read your mail:

You know where I’ve been the past few days? In the office, on deadline, with a sinus infection. That said, I really enjoyed the following email from my new friend Greg.

From Greg:
“I’ve had the swine flu like four times since November. Quit complaining. Just sayin’. Kthanx.”

No Greg, that’s called a hangover. You’ve had four hangovers since November. I know this time of year’s great for big brews, but let’s take a few steps back and remember why we also love session beers. Take a breather and dive into Shmaltz’s Coney Island Human Blockhead, on sale now through May.

From Lisa:
“Hey. I saw the article in DRAFT by Zak Stambor about new breweries that have opened in Chicago. That was great for me and my friends. We already love the local beer here, and to have even more is a real treat. I thought I’d return the favor by asking if you’ve heard of the newest rumored Chicago brewery called Haymarket Pub & Brewery. A bartender told me the other day it’s supposed to open later this summer.”

Now, readers, this is the kind of Email I love to get. Sure, it’s not necessarily a direct question, but it’s informative, complimentary and gives me a lede to follow up on. Take notes Greg. I can’t confirm anything at the moment, Lisa, but I assure you we will get to the bottom of it. Your rumor does check out as a rumor thus far: Allegedly a former Rock Bottom brewer plans to open Haymarket as early as July. More to follow.

From Peter:
“You’ve got to check this out. I know you’re into beer advertising and everything.

Enjoy!”

Wow, this ad reminds me of Hitchcock’s “Rear Window” except the crippled guy’s not crippled—just a peeping perv with a camera—and the only potential murder here is this beer’s credibility. I’ve yet to imbibe Brazil’s Devassa Beer, but if I ever find myself in this situation, I know exactly what frothy, crisp lager I’m reaching for. IT IS NOW IN MY SUBCONCIOUS.

From Matt:
“I’m sure you saw the recent article in The New York times about Belgian beers. Opinions aside, I do have to agree that Belgian style beers are really confusing when you start to force them into style guidelines like the BJCP. A tripel’s obviously a tripel, a saison’s a saison and a witbier’s a witbier, but once you start looking at Belgian pale ales, golden strong ales, blond ales and the like, it gets realty confusing. Do you find this the same way?”

Hey Matt, it’s funny you sent this, I was just trying to get to the bottom of a new bottle we received recently (yes, literally and figuratively). Sure, Belgian-style beers can be confusing, especially when marketing blurs the line between fact and fiction. For instance, Belgian enkels (you could call them singles) are sometimes labeled as blonds, when in fact they don’t conform to the BJCP’s guidelines for a Belgian blond ale. It’s a headache, I know, but don’t let it distract you from the beauty of the beer. After all, brewers most often go into the process with the intent to produce something you’ll worship, not necessarily a beer that perfectly fits within style guidelines. Take Goose Island’s new Demolition Belgian-style golden ale. Is it a blond, a golden strong ale, or something in between? Brewing manager Tom Korder helped me get to the bottom of this:

“Demo kind of straddles the line between a Blond and a strong golden (by number definition). We typically call it a Belgian Style Golden Ale since it is slightly lower in Alc. than the BJCP definition of a STRONG golden and more phenolic & peppery than most blonds. It definitely isn’t a Belgian Pale (color, Alc and other characteristics are way off) however, when we enter it into competitions it goes into Belgian and French Style Ale – subcategory OTHER.”

It’s not easy to pin down, but it is delicious. Get it while you can, and check out what other selections Goose Island has on your local shelves.

Once again, your mail’s worn me out. Keep checking back at DRAFT’s main page for new “60 Second Reviews,” plus a potential surprise next week. In the meantime keep track of my sentences that are both run-on and abbreviated (it’s a skill) on Twitter. And hey, I want to read more EMAILS. You know what? I’ll be in Atlanta next week. Drop me a note and tell me your favorite local watering hole, eatery or tourist trap.

Your weekly mailbag has finally found a new home: Wednesday! Do you have a burning question that can wait up to a week to get answered? Send it over HERE. Let’s read your mail:

From Phil
“You said in one of your posts that you knew what the next New Glarus Unplugged beer was. Well? I live in Wisconsin, so what is it?”

Wow, Phil, thanks for your straight-forwardness. You must not get out much or have time to troll around the Internet. Regardless, you’ll be pleased to know Daniel Carey’s newest Unplugged beer, available through March, is the highly acclaimed Cherry Stout. That’s right Phil, drink it in. This barrel-aged Wisconsin malt-and-cherry-made brew packs dark chocolate, sweet cherries a slight tartness and oak flavor right into your kisser. Your local bottle shop is holding a bottle just for you. For those outside Wisconsin, I hear the weather’s not bad this time of year.

From Jeremy
“Aside from the beer iphone apps you mentioned what is the most useful non-beer related one you have?”

Before I answer that question, I’d like to point out that I recently bowled a perfect game on Action Bowling. That’s right, 300 points. So you’ve come to the right guy. Honestly, for those of us who tend to hit the bars, there’s no better app than Yelp! I don’t care much for the reviews, what I like is the “What’s Open” option. At 2 a.m., I know exactly what cheapo, cardboard pizza-making eatery is open for business, because my stomach always is.

From Sarah
“Just because a movie’s called ‘Valentine’s Day’ doesn’t mean it’s strictly geared toward women. I went to see it with my boyfriend (alright, I dragged him!) and we both enjoyed it thoroughly. Maybe if you stopped watching so much sci-fi (given the amount you reference it) you might actually realize that ‘chick-flicks’ are not only fun and entertaining for both sexes, but a great place to meet the ladies I’m assuming you’re single (because of the sci-fi references).”

Sarah, you have a point (and a lot of sub-points in parentheses). I’m sure talking with you is filled with many interesting asides. Be that as it may, I promise to see “Valentine’s Day” in the coming weeks and give my full report. I may be lying right now.

From Jon
“Hey. Where’s the most surreal place you’ve drank a beer? For me it was at Burning Man a few years ago.”

I can’t say I’ve ever done Burning Man. Aside from the occasional, “Wow I’m on top of a mountain” beer, or “I’m in the middle of a forest” beer, I’ll be lame here and say the most surreal beer I’ve had was at McDonald’s during my first trip to Europe. It was either France or Holland—I can’t remember. But yeah, I was that American tourist who went to McDonald’s. It’s an obligation. It’s like wanting to tour the apartment directly across from you. The layout’s the same, but everything’s different. And yeah, they serve beer. I plan to further this experience with a trip to South Beach’s beery Burger King. Speak of the devil, look what I just found: Beer at Subway. That can’t be on Jared’s plan.

From Benny
“My friends and I were arguing the other night about what’s the best canned beer. Most of us were divided between Buckbean Black Noddy and Oskar Blues Dale’s Pale Ale. Even PBR was thrown in to round out the debate. We didn’t come to a conclusion so I thought I’d ask you.”

Dear Benny,
I appreciate your conundrum. We all like to label and celebrate the best. However, as this is a subjective matter my opinion would most likely be flawed to anyone other than me. You’re on the right track: both Black Noddy and Dale’s Pale Ale are exceptional. Instead of trying to label the best, why not make it your life’s goal to drink all the canned craft beer on the market? CANFEST is the best place to get started. Here’s last year’s list of winners.

* Pale Ale/ IPA
Gold: Anderson Valley Brewing, Poleeka Gold Pale Ale
Silver: Surly Brewing, Furious
Bronze: Rochester Mills Brewing, Cornerstone IPA

* Dark Ales
Gold: Oskar Blues, Gordon
Silver: Oskar Blues, Old Chub
Bronze: Guinness, Guinness Stout

* Other Ales:
Gold: Wittekerke
Silver: Four Peaks Brewing, Sunbru Kölsch
Bronze: Wittekerke Rose

* Lagers:
Gold: Capital Brewing, Wisconsin Amber
Silver: Oskar Blues, Mama’s Little Yella Pils
Bronze: Coors Brewing, Coors Light

Even better, here’s a brand new canned creation that’ll wet your lips and throw you on your ass: Meet Oskar Blues Gubna, a 10%-ABV, 100-IBU hop bomb available in March.

From Curtis
“Have you seen these Nike shoes?

Apparently they are based on Newcastle beer.”

Thanks for the head’s up Curtis. I’m looking for a new pair of shoes. Unfortunately I can’t officially confirm the inspiration behind these, but it looks pretty legit. After all, Nike did make these Heineken-inspired shoes a while back.

From Liz
“So how much time do you spend drinking at work anyway? It seems like that must be a big part of your job. I’m an accountant and so I deal with accounts all day, so it seems like you must deal with beer all day.”

Well, we at DRAFT do spend a fair amount of time tasting beers, both casually to inform pieces we’re working on, and officially in our regular blind tasting panels. But really, we’re actually journalists dedicated to putting out a clean, informative and attractive magazine at the highest standards. As much as we like tipping back beer at work, we know writing and editing gets increasingly difficult the more you drink. So, to answer your question, it’s a trade secret (Read: More than you).

Well, that’s it. THE MAILBAG IS CLOSED. Join us next Wednesday for a brand new, sparkling Q&A between you and me. I cherish this time. No, really. I do. EMAIL me your EMAIL. And check back for more updates from the Olympics, the beer world and the inner workings of DRAFT. Hey, I’ll be in Kansas City this weekend! I’ll send you all postcards from Twitter.

“At any moment at the Olympics, any given number of talents are tested.” You just blew my mind, Bob Costas. Those infinite possibilities just RIPPED A HOLE IN THE SUN. Yet, they didn’t do much for my sinuses. That’s right, I’ve got stuffy-sneezy-achy action in my grill today. And you know what? Thanks! There’s no better way to justifiably avoid people on the street than when you’re sick. “Nah, Jeff, I can’t hear the joke your girlfriend’s aunt told her about that polar bear with the funny hat.” I’ve got it bad, Jeff! Walk away, Jeff! I am a live action PSA. I’ll educate you with my elbow sneeze skills. But you know who I did talk to today? Dr. Internet, M.D. so I could…

CHECK MY SYMPTOMS

You know who should go on Seinfeld’s “The Marriage Ref”? Me. And Web MD. We’re enablers. I click its ad-driven symptom-checker pages and it informs me of creative ailments that will consume the rest of my day. What is this?!

So it’s settled. I have West Nile. Or I’m a narcotics abuser. Probably West Nile. Anything but lupus. Yet the realist in me wants to check one more time. What say you Mayo Clinic?

Damn it. I’ve got it all. But you know what else I’ve got? Recipes.

Beer Editor’s Famous Hot Toddy
2/3 cup of tea
2 shots of Johnny Walker
1 tablespoon of honey
1 slice of lemon, twisted into the liquid

* Stir into cup. Turn on “M.A.S.H.” reruns, sip and enjoy.

Beer Editor’s Famous Hot Brewddy
4 ounces warmed Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA
1 tablespoon honey
1 tablet Advil

* Take shot of beer
* Eat tablespoon of honey
* Pop one tablet Advil
* Repeat as desired
* Find a couch, pop in “The Big Lebowski” DVD, and enjoy.

Buck up man, the Olympics are on!

You know what I don’t get with these Olympics? The cavemen recreations. So says Bob: “Ever wonder what it was like to receive an Olympic medal during the time of dragons?” No, Bob, I hadn’t considered such a thing. “DreamWorks takes us back to a different age.” Walk away, Jeff! Grab a Beer Editor’s Famous Hot Brewddy! As your personal Internet doctor in-training, I recommend three in order to understand these promos. (From DRAFT LEGAL DEPARMENT: The beer editor is not a licensed doctor. His recommended remedies are wives’ tales at best and should not be construed as sound medical advice.)

Well, I do know one thing: These Olympics aren’t so bad.

Canada’s gold drought is over! Pig-tailed American Hannah Kearney took the women’s mogul top prize! Last time I looked, I think the U.S. women’s hockey team sloshed China! Men’s hockey is officially underway (bonus Miller Time scandal!) Speaking of Miller, how about Bode? The biathlon saw clear weather, then rain, then blizzard, and then clear weather. If you didn’t have a bib number under 40, YOUR MEDDALING HOPES WERE SQUASHED. If I were a CIA or KGB recruiter, the biathlon’s where I’d post up. This is serious James Bond stuff.

Today’s big story is one Erin Hamlin, expert U.S. luge competitor. Thirty-two people traveled all the way from little Remsen, N.Y. to cheer Hamlin on. She competes in the finals today, and she’s already proven the Germans are beatable. But it’s not all serious business with Team Hamlin, according to the Utica Observer-Dispatch. They turned Vancouver into a BYOB.

“Since its arrival, the group has been shopping, visiting pubs and celebrating with Utica Club that was specially packed for the cross-continent trip. Team Hamlin is by no means isolated from other friends and family in Remsen who could not make the trip. Ron and Eilleen Hamlin have been getting frequent phone calls wanting to know what everyone is doing and if they’re having a good time.”

Even Fred Matt, president of F.X. Matt Brewery, sent a banner to the Olympic village in support of Hamlin.

But while athletes are finding success, it seems Vancouver’s local craft beer is in battle. Rick Green, president of the Campaign for Real Ale’s (CAMRA) Vancouver chapter tipped us to the beer scene currently unfolding in his fair city. What say you Rick?

“Lots to say about the Olympics, but not necessarily positive. I know that a number of the breweries/brewpubs ramped up production of lager and pale ale in anticipation of increased demand for those styles. And it appears that that is where the increased demand from Olympics visitors is going. For example, of overall beer sales at Steamworks Brewing, lager normally constitutes less than 40%. Now it is 60%.

Counteracting advertising during normal times is a major challenge here. It doesn’t help that the mainstream media have, until recently, largely ignored the craft beer scene. The food and dining sections of local publications are almost entirely given over to wine and wine writers.”

Well said, Rick. Learn more about CAMRA-Vancouver here. That’s it for today. Look for me on Twitter for possible cold-allergy-lupus-inspired notes throughout the coming days. Oh yeah, your FRIDAY MAILBAG’S now a stunningly new WEDNESDAY MAILBAG. Email me those questions!

This Friday night, the future of history will forever transform. Billions of Xtreme winter sports enthusiasts with no social plans will cease channel surfing for the opening of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, Canada. The ever-elusive, taciturn nation of Canada—famous for its shroud of mystery, ancient abstruse customs and thick-cut bacon—will finally open its borders to the world. Long has the Maple Leaf’s rising international presence been speculated, and together, united in boredom, the world will finally discover: Canada is located in North America, and they’ve got some citizens who don’t mind doing cardio in the snow.

BUT THERE IS NO SNOW

That’s right. In a bold, calculated political measure, Canada’s jerk cousin to the south has preempted a wildly snowy Games with its own record snow falls. This past week has been springlike for fair Vancouver! CYPRESS MOUNTAIN IS BLOOMING. The city’s PR squad has regrettably pushed the green Olympics angle! The party’s ruined! NBC’s slated to lose $250 million! Disaster all around! Time for a beer Vancouver, you’ve done all you can.

OMG GUYS, LOOK AT ALL THIS BEER

Did you travel all the way to Vancouver, only to realize you’re not at the center of the collective consciousness?

Most popular sporting events*:
1. Summer Olympics
2. World Cup
3. Super Bowl
4. Everything else
5. Winter Olympics
*Entirely fabricated

Vancouver’s awash in beer, and despite its reluctant green situation, local landlords and cask operators are more than happy to take the green in your wallet: Or whichever colored Canadian dollar you’ve got. Just make sure you have a fistful of this:

Let’s get with the rundown.

Should you find yourself in Vancouver during the Olympic hype, these are your brew leads:

(A) R&B Brewing:
www.r-and-b.com
As legend dictates, R&B’s local neighborhood’s informally known as Brewery Creek due to a former stream that once ran through the area, which logically attracted a number of breweries — we’re talking turn of the last-last century here, folks. About 100 years later, R&B came to town, and they make beer you need to try.
Exhibit A: Iceholes. Inspired by Stephen Colbert’s oft-referenced pun-insult to the citizens of Canada, this lager has spicy sass. It’s also a timely F.U. to us snow-stealing Yankees down south.

(B) Granville Island Brewing:
www.gib.ca
You see that “.ca” in the web address? Don’t have a typo meltdown. That’s Canadian for “.com”. Located just south of the Vancouver Olympic Center is Granville Island Brewing. They’ve been making suds since 1984, and if you don’t experience the flavor, you haven’t been to Vancouver — kind of like Chicago’s Portillo’s.
Exhibit B: Lions Winter Ale. Your trip to Vancouver is timely. This seasonal strong ale packs savory vanilla and brown sugar flavors, yet it goes down without a cloying struggle.

(C) Storm Brewing:
www.stormbrewing.org
If you’re pub-crawling throughout the city, don’t miss out on Storm’s selection. This squad embodies the U.S. craft beer attitude, even if you need a passport to get there. A hurricane’s a brewin’ and this is one you want to weather.
Exhibit C: Hurricane IPA. This 7%-ABV brew will knock you down, but there’s no better way to combat your inability to shred snow than with some courage juice.

(J) Taylor’s Crossing Brewing
markjamesgroup.com
This joint’s located in North Vancouver, so have your taxi cab money ready. However, once you get there you’ll find a bottle shop attached to the brewpub—+1 for the effort. Here you’ll be able to catch the Games on TV at a safe distance, chow down on some squid and nom some wings.
Exhibit J: Indian Arm IPA. You’re on the West Coast so don’t pass up on an IPA. Savor the earthy hoppiness, balanced by caramel malts.

Want to get out of town? Drink your way through beautiful Victoria with this useful DRAFT beer guide!

But what about the SPORTZ?

Good question. There’s a bunch of crap being flung at this installment of the Winter Olympics, but these are dedicated athletes we’re talking about. Beer wars, snow problems and the like are inevitable. But these individual athletes have devoted themselves to one pure goal: to be the best around, where nothing’s ever gonna bring you down. They’re pure of heart. Even Carrot Top.

No, seriously, Shaun White’s alright.

My guide to get you ready.

Hockey is the numero uno reason I’m tuning in to the Olympics — there’s always a chance for a “Miracle on Ice” repeat. Even more, the diaspora-esque element of hockey is the same reason I love watching the World Cup. “We’re teammates, but not countrymen.” ENGAGE SHOULDER CHECK THROUGH THE GLASS. If you want inside, up-to-date coverage of Olympic hockey, visit my friend over at Yahoo’s Puck Daddy.

Next up: figure skating. Yeah, I know.

So there’s a guy who likes to simulate a bird when he skates. No judgement here. Frank Deford was on NPR yesterday to discuss how figure skating’s change in scoring was the downfall of the Winter Olympics. As long as hockey’s on, there is no downfall (see above). Figure skating’s spawned many an “awesome” movie, and movies aren’t made unless the subject matter is INTENSE. Behold, your motivational flics:

“The Cutting Edge” (1992)
Meat-head hockey star meets ice-queen figure skater. SPOILER ALERT: They fall in love. And John Locke makes an appearance!

“Ice Castles” (2009)
She’s blind! She knows math! “Live your dream.” Wait, what? Straight to DVD.

“Blades of Glory” (2007)
The only figure skating movie that makes you laugh on purpose.

Why’s NBC losing so much money?
Earlier I alluded to the fact that NBC is already out over a few hundred-million dollars on this whole Olympics thing. It seems advertisers have lost faith in the snowy Games, but I still think there’s room for product placement. If the Super Bowl’s taught us anything, there’s always room for product placement. I got to thinking. At this job I see everything in terms of beer. When I meet someone from Singapore (like, everyday), I immediately think Tiger Beer. It’s gotten to the point where I see Tiger Beer. So, in this international smorgasbord of products and advertising that can’t make it all onto the flat-screen, I say we brand the athletes. The Winter Games are mainly about aerodynamics, and what better vessel is there to achieve that than a beer bottle?

Look at this guy!

Okay, not the best example but he’s a prototype. I had some local experts look into the matter, and I think we’ve hit upon a form of advertising that’ll not only increase athlete speed, but also bring needed monies back to the withering Winter Olympics. Unveil their innovations!

See that mustache? There’s no wind resistance inside a bottle of Red Stripe. And yes, Jamaica has a contestant in this year’s Olympics.

That’s one frosty bottle. There’s absolutely no explanation needed for this Guinness athlete.

That’s it for now, but stay tuned for more Olympics hyjinx. We’ve planted a few moles in the Vancouver celebrations, and while they’re currently out of reach at the moment, they’ll be providing much-needed Olympic updates for your reading pleasure. In the meantime: Email me your EMAILS. Hey, I’m on Twitter! Your Friday Mailbag is nearly here; Questions of any nature are fair game. See you on Friday.

You know what I always say about Roth IRAs? Nothing, because my parents have this hat. No, it’s not your ordinary official, overpriced NCAA hat. This one’s been marked by the one and only Breesus himself.

READ:
“To the Statens — Go Boilermakers!
Drew Brees, #15”

You know who’s a Staten? Me. And given legal precedents which state all sports memorabilia shall be willed to the oldest, living son, I think my golden years are set. See, Drew Brees isn’t finished winning. Shortly after his plaque’s placed in the hallowed halls of Canton’s HOF, I’ll unlock this hat (signed during Brees’ road to the Rose Bowl) from its secret locale, cash in, and finally do what I’ve always wanted: drink beer for a living. Wait.

Now a daydream like this demands at least two to three hours of proper consideration, but I can’t get a moment’s rest. My computer’s upset! Ever since word was posted that I’m now on Twitter, my Mail program’s been suffering from a severe case of indigestion. After last night’s beer and bar food, that makes two of us. In fact, I’m blown away by the frequency of emails from people now following me. Be my guest, I welcome you, and in return I promise at least one inane, annoyingly esoteric post every few hours. Maybe I’ll get cryptic.

Like Skywalker, my transformation is near complete. See, I thought the programs I had on my trusty iPhone were keeping me keyed in: Programs like BeerCloud, Find Craft Beer, and the like. If you’re lost in the woods, they’ll course-correct, but they certainly won’t provide musings from breweries. What’s that Stone Brewing? Two bars in Houston are planning a six-day vertical tasting of your Imperial Russian Stout? Phoenix be damned!

So from here on out, you’ll always be able to find me at this here blog, literally wherever I am via Twitter on my iPhone, and, as always, through Email. We’ve got a lot to get through this week, including new daily beer tastings, which you’ll soon find on DRAFT’s main page. I might even throw in a video by the end of the week. Follow me on Twitter for up-to-date facts.

Open question:
Who else had trouble locating bottles or pints of New Belgium Ranger IPA this weekend? Apparently area bars and bottle shops are going through it like, well, a new year-round IPA from New Belgium. It’s a phantom, and it’s delicious!

Your Friday Mailbag is already filling up. Send me your question — any question — if you want in on the action.

Yeah, that’s right. This may be the longest blog DRAFT has ever posted, so before you settle in with a hot cup of coffee or a soggy ham sandwich, prepare the false browser. I’m a humanitarian, see; I care for your prosperity. If you’re in finance, have this ready. Teaching? Here you go. The rest of you? Open that fake spread sheet. We’ve got Super Bowl-centric content, DRAFT’s Leftovers, an assortment of video for your viewing pleasure, and the highly-anticipated Friday mailbag. We’re in it to win it.

Cue the long blog!

Ah, the Super Bowl. There are few precious events each year when America’s fractured, sub-cultural consumers get sent through the same check-out aisle. Here good greenback cultivator, drink this pitcher of pigskin, watch these product ads and pass out on the couch. I love the Super Bowl. It’s an unofficial national holiday, yet an official break-all-resolutions day. Most of the year I’ve got ad repellent sprayed on my TV, but the “A Clockwork Orange” approach of the Super Bowl is pungent and respectable. It’s Sherman’s March through my eyeballs, and into my nucleus accumbens: And it’s for products I don’t usually buy. So…

Why don’t I see craft breweries on TV?

We’re experts when it comes to dressing our goods to the nines. That light-lager beer inside your neighborhood bodega’s fridge is like your girlfriend’s worn-out cotton panties. But on Super Bowl Sunday, it’s saucy, spicy and will jump start your dusty libido. According to a recent NPR story I was half-listening to, 51-percent of viewers tune in just for the post-action official time-out. When commercials hit, we turn wide-eyed and wait for the big sell. That’s what $90,000 a second buys you.

Now, in the spirit of this weekend, some sites have listed the all-time best Super Bowl beer ads, so I won’t rehash what you already know. We’re going to indulge in a simpler, more refined age. Here, we’re turning back the clocks to when beer was celebrated with class. Why can’t Super Bowl beer adds be more like these? We like a jingle with our juice.

Carling’s Black Label
That Mabel’s quite the hook-up.

Schaefer Beer
Hello Rat Pack B-squad!

Hamm’s Beer
Such dough-faced innocence. You will get schooled by Hamms.

Busch Beer
Yeah, Pete’s got the troublesome dilapidated shed blues. No time for beer? BUSCHHHH.

Budweiser
I sense the presence of one Burt Bacharach.

Löwenbräu
“We never lost it.” Well, at least one of you didn’t. Face jam!

Who am I kidding? You don’t need a jingle when you’ve got subtle product placements from the pre-game show to the post-game wrap-up. Speaking of placing a product. Prepare the camera bang.

You’ve been Bruced!

Yes, the Super Bowl is a spectacle of lights, and somewhere along the way, people play football. I remember so vividly when Michael Jackson performed in 1993. That seemed extravagant: amazing, but extravagant. Looking back, I’m not so sure.

Yes, it’s a bit dramatic, but when you break it down (and avoid direct eye contact with the blond warlock guitarist) it’s just a guy dancing on stage. Of course, it ballooned during “Heal the World,” but compared to the 2000 show with Phil Collins and Admiral Adama, Jackson may as well have been dancing in his bedroom.

I can’t tell you how this “tapestry of magic” ends. After about a minute, I quietly stood up, removed myself from the situation and went into the other room until it was over.

If only I had snacks!

What I’m drinking and eating this Sunday is still up for debate. New Belgium’s new IPA, Ranger, is in town, so that’s a must have. I’ll take a look at DRAFT’s fridge and see what I can come up with. But enough about me, take these suggestions from our friends in the industry:

Saint Somewhere’s Bob Sylvester.
“Our new beer, Pays du Soleil — yes it’s out there finally — paired with a Gulf shrimp and oyster Po-boy with chipotle aioli accompanied by heart of palm slaw! Gotta support the South. Go Saints!”

Foothills Brewing’s Jamie Bartholomaus
“I’ll be swapping around between our IPA, our DIPA and our Sexual Chocolate which was released (yesterday) at 5 p.m.! And I may chase those down with a Torch Pilsner every fourth beer. I am a pizza fanatic so pizza it is! Go Colts!”

Matthias Neidhart, owner of B. United International, has quite the beer catalog at his finger tips. Here are his go-to football beer/food pairings:
* Leipziger Gose: Pizza.
* Uerige “Classic”: Sausages and brats.
* ReAle Extra: Chicken wings.
* Einbecker Mai-Ur-Bock: Fried chicken.

Finally, food wizard Sean Paxton, The Homebrew Chef and regular DRAFT contributor, had some thoughts of his own:
* Seven-layer bean dip: “Pair it with a good, peppery sasion like Dupont. The beer’s pepper brings out the flavor in the beans.”
* Spicy Buffalo wings and blue cheese: “Pliny the Elder or Union Jack really cuts through the spice, while the beer’s sweetness pairs well with the chicken meat.”
* Popcorn: “Boulevard’s Unfiltered Wheat Beer is clean and refreshing with a touch of sweetness to balance the popcorn out.”

Of course, this year’s Super Bowl throw down just doesn’t seem right without a few gallons of beer-infused jambalaya, Cajun style. Sustain your buzz with life-long Saints fan and tailgaiting guru Paul Preau’s homemade recipe.

Enough with the fresh food, let’s get to DRAFT’s Leftovers: Strange Brew 2.0
Earlier this week we looked into the crazy world of extreme brewing, and more than a few of our friends chimed in. Well, we’ve got more:

From The Bruery’s Benjamin Weisse:
“We work with a lot of bizarre brewing ingredients at The Bruery. Probably one of the most unique is our use of yams in our Autumn Maple, and it’s one of the most grueling processes for any of our beers. Being a pretty small brewery, we do a lot by hand here and creating Autumn Maple requires us to start work before the sun rises. Each morning that we brew Autumn Maple we have to begin by roasting several hundred pounds of yams on as many grills as we can get our hands on. This process takes quite a bit of time. Once cooked through, the yams must then be mashed before added to the mash, at which point we have to mix it all together with the grain and water. It’s quite a labor intensive project, but we think it’s worth it in the end.

We have a limited release beer being created for this Valentine’s Day (southern California only, sorry) called Melange No Sechs that incorporates beets for that Valentine’s red, as well as some rose petals and cocoa nibs for the ultimate Valentine’s experience. We’ll have to wait and see how that one turns out, but we have high hopes.”

Adam Avery, of Avery Brewing, wants us to get funky.
“We make several weird beers but the FIFTEEN, our anniversary beer from two years ago, takes the cake: 100-percent Brettanomyces fermentation—largest batch EVER produced in the world (400 bbls.). Also brewed with black mission figs, hibiscus flowers and white pepper. It is quite the beer and definitely not for everyone. Got as much hate mail for it as we got love mail.”

Speaking of mail, it’s the Friday Mailbag.
Open the floodgates. Each Friday you’ll steer this blog to its logical conclusion. Get in on the action and drop me a note.

From Orr:
“Hey man, congratulations on starting the new blog — I just read the first post and it was rockin’, and I’m looking forward to reading more. Two quick things: are you based in Baltimore? And are you on Twitter? I just tweeted a little volley at you.

Also, I’m totally down with ELO, and their entire discography precedes my birth. Gotta go listen to ‘Showdown.’ Cheers, and welcome.”

Thanks, Orr. Them are some mighty-nice words. No, I’m not from Baltimore, although I’ve watched enough of “The Wire” to be an honorary citizen. I am, however, originally from the D.C. area. I once dated a girl whose friend was robbed at knife-point, broad daylight in one of Baltimore’s nicer districts. So, no, I didn’t venture there very often; except for concerts.

From Leo:
“Hi, here’s Leo (from Italy). Love your post about beery tattoos! Hope you’ll enjoy mine, which will be soon followed by other ones…Cheers”

Hey Leo, sweet tats, and thanks for making this blog an international sensation. My return gift is this; Stan Hieronymus examines brews in Italian wine country. Drink up, my friend.

From Greg:
“I couldn’t agree more about that craptitious movie ‘Valentine’s Day.’ I know my girlfriend’s gonna make me go and I’m looking for a way out. Any suggestions?”

Hey Greg, I think you’re screwed. Two suggestions: Grab a few bottles of The Bruery’s new V-day special Melange No Sechs, or Foothills Brewing’s seasonal Sexual Chocolate, and feed them to your girl two hours before showtime. Chances are she’ll lose interest in the movie and you guys can catch “When Harry Met Sally” on TBS instead (I know, it’s lose-lose, but at least the beer’s delicious). The other idea? Embrace your fate!

Or — and this might not be a stretch — become this guy. Congratulations, Greg, you’re single.

That’s it for this week. I’m out early to start Super Bowl festivities. Need a place to drink this weekend? Keep an eye on our ever-updating list of the 150 best beer bars.

Drink well this weekend. More to come on Monday.
EMAIL me your EMAILS.

Welcome to this blog’s first shallow-content post (yeesh, we’re only three in, too). Listen, I’m going to throw a few softballs at you every week. We’re three dates in, which is usually the time to unveil another shade of honesty. So, there you have it. Still, I promise you these half-dates are worth your time. If you disagree, then I’m sure your boss would side with you, you slacker. How many times will you minimize your browser today due to compromising co-worker foot traffic near your cube? Ready the go-to BS spreadsheet!

And now…

Welcome to my life tattoo. I’m a man now, thanks to you.

Kids get inked. But it’s what they’re putting on their body that always has the buttoned-up types in a bunch. Some opt for the too-drunk-to-really-understand Chinese symbol, others get matching tats with significant others. Some feel flesh is fleeting, so let’s send a message to the Man upstairs, while others imprint their muse: bands, authors (I’ve got one of those) or beer. What compels these folks to plod into the world of permanency?

Certainly not this guy:

Behold, brewery tats around the Web. Soak it up real goodlike:

This guy’s probably finished his Bigfoot back-tat by now. How many vintages were released in the time it took to complete?

“We gotta get out of here. This is bat country.”

Deschutes represent. This guy’s a true dissident.

The photo’s cropped so you don’t see the trucker hat.

This is a serious man. He upgraded to the foreign extra stout.

If this is a girl, please send me your number, we’ll have a hoot. CHANCES IMMEDIATELY RUINED.

Hands down, the gold-medal tat winner in this post. We like your dedication, Sir. And we like your taste in beer.

Send me your tat photos to publicly conform to this counter culture. ADMIT TO YOUR FANATICISM. If you send enough photos, I’ll show you mine.

What say you Roger and Pete? Why did I really get that tattoo in Savannah?

In other news: Hello February! Thanks for being the most efficient month.
Releases I’m all about this month:
* The Lost Abbey Red Poppy Ale
* Left Hand Chainsaw Ale (twice the horsepower of Sawtooth)
* Deschutes Jubel 2010
* Full Sail Top Sail Bourbon Barrel-Aged Imperial Porter
* Russian River Pliny the Younger
* Foothills Sexual Chocolate
* Jolly Pumpkin Madrugada Obscura

That should be more than enough to fill this month’s coffers.

Releases I’m not all about this month:

So many frowns and smiles. It’s like real life! What say you Ashton? “Love is the only shocking act left on the planet.” The other day I saw a vanity plate that read “CHILLAX.” I thought that was pretty shocking.

Announcement No. 1:
This specific announcement will probably end this week, but since I’m new to this neighborhood, I’ve got to do some street corner time until you regular customers know where to look. Each Friday I’ll post your questions — beer-related or otherwise — with answers that involve hours logged into Lexis-Nexis databases, nosing through Encyclopedia Britannica, perusing “The Tibetan Book of the Dead” and watching horrific cover songs on YouTube. I’m that dedicated.

See you tomorrow for amazing adventures in either beer-food pairing or beer marketing. I’ll let you know when I post the post.

So says HAL:
I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do. Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

EMAIL ME YOUR EMAILS!.